I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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