I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Couch. On fire.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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