Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
