Nicole vs. Life
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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