my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You ruined the universe
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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