you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
