I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
