well I can't set my house on fire every night
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
