i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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