if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
