Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
