I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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