saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
My liver just had a heart attack.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
