He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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