My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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