So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
