I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
