Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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