The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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