Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
