do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
