so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
