we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
