put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize