Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Randomize
