:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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