Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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