woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize