you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
