i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize