Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
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