bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
