She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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