Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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