There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
