I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
