I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
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