Need sex. Gaining weight.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
