I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
