I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
wanna go halves on a baby?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
