i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
how drunk are you?
Several
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
