I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize