Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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