We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
