the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
