maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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