The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
