Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
