I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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