So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
