If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
