I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
