the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
