Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
