Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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