Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
