She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
