I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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